Being self-employed, you have no set schedule, no rules, and no deadlines. One would think that it is the ultimate goal to have that kind of flexibility, right? There is only one problem. I am not only my own boss; I am my own worst critic, and no other person’s expectations of me have ever been higher than the ones that I have of myself.
Having goals sets some structure into my entrepreneurial lifestyle and helps me to constantly move the needle forward. The flip side of it is never building in time for rest, relaxation, or time to simply BE. My entire life, since I can remember, I was forever living way too far into the future. My Mom always says when we were eating breakfast, I wanted to know what the plan was for lunch and dinner. Sadly, I still do.
My Dad was a self-made man who worked really hard. He was my example of the work hard and do what you love, and the money will come. Unfortunately, he was also the example of never take time off and keep pushing forward. He retired at 50 from his original business and ended up working even harder at his next venture and never stopped until his body gave him no choice. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and had one of his lungs removed. He survived the cancer, and thankfully he is still with us. Shortly after the surgery, we discovered he was starting with signs of Alzheimer’s.
So for my Mom and Dad working so hard all of those years so we could have a nice life, live in a nice house and go to good schools, etc. this should be the fun retirement years. They should be going on cruises and touring Europe without a worry in the world. Instead, my Mom is his full-time caregiver and is with him 24/7, constantly answering the same questions over and over again, reminding him who his children and grandchildren are.
I find myself in a place I have never been before. I have created a life that I have always dreamed of, living at the beach in a state that is sunny 300 days a year. I am experiencing a feeling of contentment that was always the end goal, always the dream, but feels confusing.
You see, part of the reason I am so uncomfortable about being so happy is that I realize that I have been confusing being content with being lazy my entire life. When I saw people sitting around and playing cards, or binging Netflix, I would think why are they not taking a course, or learning something new to become more successful. They are so lazy.
I am choosing to push through this feeling of discomfort and instead of leaning into the new me. The person who knows she has worked her butt off her entire life, and it is more than ok to start to relax a bit and be CONTENT. My goal for this and every year to come is to “be where my feet are.” Stop looking ahead and being a slave to my never-ending “to-do” list and live in the moment. After all the past is the past, the future is not guaranteed, and all we really have is the present, so why not just enjoy it. One day at a time...